"How Do I Call off My Wedding?"
Every so often, someone asks a question about a specific situation, and some advice I give strikes a chord. I record those here, just in case you’re going through something similar.
“I think I need to call off my wedding for a million different reasons and I’m terrified and embarrassed and I don’t know what to do 💔”
Alright my friend, here we go.
Marriage is a very romantic business decision.
So are weddings.
There are emotions behind it. Let’s deal with those first.
Based on your post, your two major emotions right now are fear and embarrassment, I assume at the prospect of announcing to all the people you invited to this party, “Hey, there is no party.”
How would you feel if your friend called you to say that she was canceling her wedding?
If your second cousin twice removed sent a “sorry, ignore that invite” email?
Would you feel shame for them?
I wouldn’t. I would probably feel compassion and pride that they were making what seems like the harder choice.
But you know it’s not the harder choice.
You know the harder choice is to be with someone who is not your partner (if that is the situation).
I am curious about the terror.
What are you scared will happen?
Whatever you decide to do, here is what will happen:
You will be set free.
You will experience emotions.
You will be surrounded by love.
You will experience doubt.
Here’s how you know you’re doing the right thing: your body will tell you.
Here’s how to listen to your body:
Sit quietly somewhere in nature.
Let the two scenarios play out in your head.
Couples therapy
The wedding
The marriage
Breaking up
Moving on
Falling in love with yourself and eventually someone else
Notice how your body feels when you go through each scenario.
Give each feeling a location and a name and a number.
When I think of marrying my boyfriend, I get some terror in my heart (like a 2), but mostly it’s exciting (7) in my heart and my belly, and joyful from my root chakra to my higher self (8).
When I think of breaking up with my boyfriend, I experience disappointment in my heart (6), confusion in my brain (5), and sadness in my diaphragm and throat (9).
So I decide to stay with him even though it takes a lot of work to learn how to love each other.
I stay with him because I can tell him I’m feeling all of those things, and we work together to make it feel easier for both of us.
We’re committed to learning how to support each other, which is what marriage is.
Not doing it perfectly, but being committed to learning how, and to forgiving when it takes a few tries to get it right.
Be honest with how your body feels. It will be honest with you if you choose to listen to it. Honor that truth.
Now for the adulting bit of it:
-schedule your therapist
-tell your partner
-tell your families
-gather your girlfriends
-inform your guests (email is fine: “Hi! We invited you to a wedding on 9/24/19, aaaaand we’re canceling it- whoops! Thanks for your RSVP!”)
-review contracts and inform vendors. Remember: no contract is unbreakable. You’re just in a different type of negotiation (these are my FAVORITE negotiations, the post-contract changed-my-minds. Seriously! You have nothing left to lose! Such a badass place to be).
Know you will know love.
Know you are love.
Know you are freeing yourself and your partner to live in love.
Live in love.