The Compulsive Need to Do More (or: How Do I Stop People Pleasing?)
Are you overbooked, overworked, burnt out, and STILL looking to take on more?
Y’all, I know that feeling all too well. Back in my corporate days, I was the go-to person for everything.
Needed a corporate card?
Truck repairs?
$5000 delivered to your bookie?
I NEVER said no. (Probably should have said no to the last one.)
I had the compulsive need to always take on more, but there was also a lot of people-pleasing going on..
Every time I would say yes to a new project or commitment, it felt like a confidence boost: I’m trusted! I’m needed! My job is secure!
What that actually meant is that I had so much on my plate that I was half-assing pretty much everything.
And since the confidence was coming from an external source, it was easily shattered when I would make mistakes out of overwhelm.
I was so fucking burnt out, you guys! No matter how much stuff I took on I never felt validated enough.
I had the compulsive need to do more with seemingly no clarity. I mean why was I taking on all of these responsibilities?
I had no game plan. None of this was benefiting me. I was just self-sabotaging and making my life harder.
My mental health was suffering, my personal life was non-existent, and my stamina was at an all-time low.
It was a vicious cycle that I couldn’t break away from - and like all cycles, there was an addictive quality to it.
Dr. Sandra Chapman who heads up the Center for Brain Health at the University of Texas said,
“The brain can become addicted to productivity just as it can to more familiar sources of addiction, such as drugs, gambling, eating or shopping. A person might crave the recognition their work gives them, or the salary increases they get. The problem is that just like all addictions, over time a person needs more and more to be satisfied and then it starts to work against you.”
It wasn’t until I was meditating one day that I reached this new level of awareness. I thought to myself:
Why am I forcing myself to do more? When will it be enough?
That’s when I started playing with the concept of “enough.”
Was it “enough” to check my email several times an hour between 5 am and 9 pm?
Was it “enough” to make six figures?
Was it “enough” to tackle everyone else’s to-do list on the top of my own?
I realized: there is no such thing as enough.
After this realization, I committed myself to overcome the compulsive need to do more by
💛 Committing to my yoga and meditation practices
I’ve had a daily practice for over 10 years, but it waxes and wanes. I signed up for a few workshops to bring new education and excitement to my practice.
💛Affirmations
I remind myself, with post-its and alarms on my phone and daily recitations: “I am enough.”
💛 Set boundaries
Learning how to say NO means someone else gets to say YES!
Go to therapy if you don’t know how to say no comfortably.
💛To-do List
I will make a wildly unreasonable to-do list in the morning, and then hide it from myself and let my work hours unfold. At the end of the day, I’ll write down everything I did, and compare it to my to-do list.
Here’s what I learned:
My “planning” / egoic to-do list is all fear-based.
It’s responding to any perceived threat, whether it be that I’m not going to make enough money, that I’m going to run out of food, or that I need to get stronger.
My “intuitive” / spiritual to-do list is all joy-based.
It seeks the things that make it feel good: productive work that builds connection, yes, but also a lot of physical movement and change of scenery to inspire my energy.
The pressure to be overly productive is extremely common in the workplace, especially among women. I reached out to a group of millennial women and asked them if they felt like they had a compulsive need to do more in their careers. Here’s what they had to say:
“I used to until I realized just how much it affected my mental health. My well being is more important than the status of the company at the end of the day.” -Livi B.
Totally omg - your company is NOT loyal to you at all, and you do not owe them your mental health!!
“I think I try to combat my imposter syndrome by taking on every single task possible which ultimately leads to burnout.” -Brenna S.
Ah, our old friend imposter syndrome!
“Yes, absolutely. I have a full-time job and four regular freelancing gigs. I enjoy the work and am thankful for it. But I always feel like I need to be getting my name out there, working harder, and also… I really need to pay off my student loans. -Paige B.
The hustle pressure is real!
“Yep! It’s very much in line with my perfectionist persona. But it’s something I’m working on. I’m realizing if I don’t get my work done because I’m taking on so much extra work, I’m not doing myself or anyone else favors but making things harder on myself.” -Fairley L.
Absolutely, and we’re all about making life EASIER without sacrificing income!
Friends, (especially to my ladies!) please take care of yourselves. I urge you to put your mental health before a corporation, boss, or promotion. I know how easy it can be to get wrapped up in the false bravado you get from trying to do it all. It’s no way to live.
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